How sin steals our hearts // 

( Clive Barker, "Heartbreak", 2010) 

Dear Future Husband

First and foremost, yes, Meghan Trainor, I did steal your song title... but I'm about to write for a man that I pray is not only all about that bass.

As a teenage girl, my heart is guided by hormones to fall for any and every guy that shows an ounce of compassion towards me. Those boys have only been lessons learned and wounds stitched together. Each boy a different color; traits swirling around to paint the masterpiece that will be my husband. The warm sunset orange of honesty and kindness, the musty brown scuffs of hard work, petals of a gentle and patient lilac, mixed and muted with white purity and dark memories. I learned the hard way what colors insult each other; the burning fire of a red hot, temper-mental anger, the loud brightness of a yellow pride, a ghastly green of greed seeping from one's skin. These colors, however, compose the picture of who you are, a masterpiece God crafted with a paintbrush of passionate love, a picture I promise to hang in the museum of my heart, to protect from thieves. I pray that when people see me, see my heart, that they also see the beautiful work God has done in you, on display for all to see. 

There have been boys that I have thought to be as good as you, and there will be more. For every lie they have spat in my face, for every other girl they have winked at, for every conversation that turned sour, and for every text that was sent to another girl that should have been sent to me, there was a time when I fell on my face and prayed for you: prayed for your family, your salvation, your friends, your grades, purity, heart, relationship with God, community, health, and happiness. I pray that there is a smile on your face for every tear that has rolled down the edge of mine, For my heart is beginning to look like a sidewalk; cracks in the cement of beating flesh. God has given me enough forgiving thread of eternal joy for me to fix myself, but I have been missing the needle of your love. 

I need you to know that I've hurt, and I've been hurt. My flower of innocence has wilted with the drought of love in this world and the poor soil that society has raised me on. But God's nourishment is more than enough, and I pray that we can grow together, planting seeds of hope and joy in the hearts of others,

I pray that I can be all who you need me to be and what you deserve, You deserve my best, but I need you to be able to love me at my worst. I pray that I can be a well of strength for you to draw from, an endless rain of sunshine on your cloudy days, someone to hold an umbrella when your tears rain down. Some days I may fail, my arm may get too tired, but I pray continuously that I can be all that you need and more, that we can work through our problems, and fix what is broken instead of tossing it out and getting a new one. 

As I write this, we are not married yet, we are each currently writing the unique chapters of our lives, that will soon come together as a novel. One day I hope to hear about the crazy things you're doing, the laughs, the adventures, the sighs, the cries, and everything in between. Our love can be one for the books, as radiant as a sunset, and the definition of serendipity itself... only if you let me sleep on the right side of the bed:,)

Love,
your future wife/best friend/goofball
Katie xx   

Meander

I stumbled across something interesting in a novella I was reading earlier this week. This book, translated from Japanese, includes many fascinating elements of Japanese culture. One of these was an ideology from an Italian historian and political writer with the name Machiavelli. He wrote that fate, Fortuna, dominated about half of our lives. He illustrated fate as a "goddess, capricious and fickle, or as a river. which could flood at any moment" (Hiraide, 19). The other half of our lives, he claims, are decided by virtù- translated widely as impulse, skill, valor, backbone, decision making, and ability. In some cases, it appears, as "virtù di necessita" which, in English, conveys a deep sense of exaltation with the words "skill displayed in times of emergency".  This human virtù, the only thing that can compete with Fortuna, is deeply rooted in our selfish human desires, and this idea of the combination of the two can serve as a depiction of how God's perfect plan can be warped with our actions and decisions. 
God has given us Free Will, the ability to choose, to discover our own path into His arms, and that is partly what makes this journey so exciting- and real. God ultimately has a plan for us, and our destination. He crafted us with a plan in mind, knowing what we will paint before we even have the chance to grab the brush. But, we still have the ability to move our brushes and mix colors.  We can decide how we create, our words, our actions,even making a decision as simple as turning left instead of right. God gave us the colors and the canvas- our storms, our blessings, and His unending grace. He is guiding our brushstrokes, but our pride and the white noise of the world can drown out the whisper of the Spirit, 
As anyone who has lived a day on this earth would know, our actions have consequences, whether here on Earth or in Heaven. They can change our paths, mold our future, and distort the plan God has for us. Our lives can be viewed as a road trip, each day a mile. God is driving the car, but we hold the map. We can choose which roads we travel down, and how long it takes us to get to what God has in store for us, but God knows the overall destination and where we will end up.
Our free will changes the course of our journey, for example, like it did for Samson. Samson sinned, and what came from it was not the original greatness God had in plan for him. However, God still made him into a great warrior, and a Godly man who did a lot of good. Your mistakes do not define you, and cannot keep you from God's greatness, it might just change the path you were designed to travel on, but not the destination. We may stumble fall into tunnels of heartache, only to land in God's grace. As Hiraide, summarizing Machiavelli, wrote, "fate is a destructive river, The river rages, flooding the plain, consuming trees... Nothing- no one, escapes. Living beings, in turning a corner, or in producing the movements required to enter the crack in a certain partially opened door... [these daily actions] produce their own little rivers... This minor current must then flow into the larger river." We are all small streams flowing into God's overall plan for this little dusty rock we can Earth, but we carve our own meanders as God guides us to His ocean of grace and love. 

Thoughts at Work

Today at work, my wondering eyes noticed a pitch lab wondering around outside the fence. I work at a pool inside of a park, so that was not surprising; I see many dogs and faces come and go daily. However, this dog was not accompanied by a human. For a couple of minutes, I watched it meander between wild grasses and patches of dirt. The first thought that drifted into my mind was "I hope it finds it's owner.", followed by a series of "They must be so sad... I wonder if there is a phone number on the collar, what can I do to help?... I can't imagine not being with something I love so dearly."
That got me thinking, it got me thinking about the lost people that float through life around us. How God is our owner, how we get lost, how his heart hurts when one of His precious lambs go missing, how many people are wondering this earth like lost puppies, not knowing how to find their home or that they're even lost.
This dog that I saw, trotting through the brown shrubbery that resides on the grounds of a Texan August, tongue out, tail wagging, appeared content. I then envisioned what it would look like tonight, a week from now, a month from now, when it got cold in the winter. It would not have a daily scoop of food, a comfy blanket to cuddle under, protection, or satisfaction. The lost may appear happy, frolicking on their own paths of temptation and self-satisfaction when times are good, but what will they have when the winter of suffering rolls in, or when they realize that they have been starved from pure peace and joy? A dog may not need an owner when they scamper through flowers, but they rely on their owner when the things they need become scarce. The lost find fleeting joy in their path of destruction, but when in enemy succeeds in stealing, killing, and destroying, they will not know where to find a bandage to mend the scarred and sick soul or a meal to calm the storm of pain quaking within.
When someone finds a lost dog, or at least when I do, I attempt to contact the owner, find it's home, help reunite the family. Us believers, those who cling to our leash and avoid going beyond the gates need to understand that's what God calls us to do: seek out the lost in this world, and bring them back to their owner, their shepherd. Instead of calling a number on a collar, we dial the tone of prayer, leaving a message of relentless pleads. We can offer one a meal, but eventually even the pantries of believers run empty, God is the only true bountiful harvest. Our homes cannot shelter every lost, wounded, or homeless dog, but the Kingdom of God will always have vacant rooms, so hollow that the stale air lies frozen, waiting to fill a lung with new life and satisfy a barely beating heart. So go, search for the lost in the world. When you find them, cling so tightly to the leash that your knuckles turn white, and guide them to the Lord, walk with them in their faith, go before, carry them with you and stay close.

 {Verses}

• "What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? {Matthew 18:12}
• "Some wandered in desert wastelands, finding no way to a city where they could settle. They were hungry and thirsty, and their lives ebbed away. Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. He led them by a straight way to a city where they could settle. Let them give thanks to the Lord for his unfailing love and his wonderful deeds for mankind, for he satisfies the thirsty and fills the hungry with good things." { Psalm 107:4-9}

Words of My Testimony

My name is Katie. I gave my life to Jesus Christ in the summer of 2013, then got baptized a year later. 

The reason I'm creating this blog is because God put it on my heart to spread my story, and the work that He has done in me and through me. A couple weeks ago, I spoke in front of about 400 people at my church's youth camp. Previously, I had only told this to about a group of 10 close friends, so, as you can imagine, it was incredibly nerve-wracking. The response was overwhelmingly positive; people quoting me on social medias, strangers hugging me, asking for pictures with me, and telling me how inspiring I am. I, however, have only one complaint about this.  I am not the brave one, I  am not the strong one, and it is not my story, but God's. I have been told that we should be unashamed of our God, of who we are, to be unashamed of our stories, but how can I have a story, I'm only 15. 

A speaker at my church one told us a story about a teenage boy who attended a night at a church that he was preaching in. That kid, who happened to be the biggest drug dealer on that high school campus, gave his life to Jesus that night. When he got home, her took every drug  in his backpack and flushed them down the drain. You see, my story is not like that, but instead, little by little, my  pain wore out until the load on my shoulders disappeared and  I realized that my bag is empty. Many of our stories will be this way. Because our eyes adjust, we will not notice that we are blind in darkness until we get used to  the light, then turn to realize that what we were living in was pitch black. My story is kind of like a sunrise. God took my darkness and transformed it to a beautiful light, shining for others to view, I am a city on a hill instead of a victim of my own mind hiding in the valley. Yes, I'm only 15, but at one point I didn't think I would be able to say that.

In middle school, I was surrounded by people who loved me, I had supportive team mates, lots of friends, good grades, loving family, what could have been the flaw? Somehow, it was my flaws that I couldn't ignore. I had absolutely nothing that could make me sad, but for some reason, I couldn't find anything to keep me happy. I couldn't look in the mirror, I remember turning off the lights when I took a shower sometimes, the mirror an enemy far too powerful to face. I used to excuse everything that's wrong in this world as though it was my fault, adding to the list of reasons why I wasn't worthy of all the good in my life. I wasn't able to except that fact that I wasn't perfect, skinny, perfect, popular, perfect, talented, perfect. I couldn't stop emphasizing that I was flawed, fat, flawed, broken, flawed, useless, flawed. But I was wrong, because the bible says in Song of Solomon 4:7 "you are altogether beautiful, my love; THERE IS NO FLAW IN YOU." God made us in HIS PERFECT IMAGE.! So it's alright that I'm not popular because I am loved, sure I mess up sometimes but I am forgiven, I may seem useless now but He gave me a purpose. I was so in the dark that I sat alone in the library to eat  everyday so I could excuse my inadequate lunch and lack motivation or strength to carry a conversation. I read so many books off the shelf, but what I didn't read was the one that really mattered, the one that could've saved me, the Bible. I remember crying in the shower so I could blend my tears in with the water droplets so I could pretend I wasn't broken. 

My self worth was supported by worldly objects and they let me down. God will never let you down.

Almost a year ago, I vividly remember standing in the shower on a Sunday evening, the lights on, my eyes dry... I started laughing, I couldn't stop smiling. I kept saying one thing over and over to myself. "I'm happy. I did it, I'm really, truly happy." In kid church that day, where I volunteer, the leader told the kids that God made them to be happy, and not to let anyone ever change that. It was meant for the kids, but I'm pretty sure I was one of the only people that really listened. I just couldn't figure out why I stole my own happiness, but God kept bringing me more. God gave me incredible people in my life, my lifegroup, my youth pastor, the smiling faces I get to see every Sunday that give me one of those iconic Christian Side Hugs. Jeremiah 29:11 says "for I know the plans I have for you... Plans to give you a future and a hope". God gave this story so that I could use it. I organized a suicide campaign at my public schoolof about 3,000 people. With the help of my best friend, we collected, tied notes on, and passed out over 4,000 pieces of candy. ((I vlogged it on my youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hrsQENIEBs)) Things are so much better now, but I still have hills and valleys. Depression is a mental condition, not a choice, but I can choose how I handle that mental condition.  My storm is truly that, as unpredictable as the weather. I can't control the thoughts that flood into my brain. I was drowning in my demons and God didn't get rid of the water, he just taught me how to swim; how to walk on water along side Him. 

Many of you that know me personally may be surprised about this. When I told someone once, she said "how? You were always so happy! You were our mascot!" Yes, I was the mascot. (I know, embarrassing!!) For a weekend, I went to the Port A beach with the team, but on the drive home, I sat and stared out of the car window for 4 hours because I felt so numb.  Proverbs 14:13 says "laughter can conceal a heavy heart". You never know what is going on behind closed doors. Knock on someone's door, invite them to church,share the light, you never know how it could change them. You'd be surprised how many people are sitting there waiting for that invitation. A couple years ago, I had no plans for college, never pondered career options, didn't envision driving... And I didn't  realize what discovering Jesus had done for me until I asked myself what I wanted to do for my 15th birthday. 

In conclusion, God commands us to love one another, and that is shown in so many ways throughout the Bible. One verse that stuck out to me was "Love your neighbor as thy self" Matthew 22:39. How can you do that if you have no affectionate opinions towards your reflection, if you persistently insult yourself, if you believe that you deserve the pain that Jesus already bore?  How could I learn to love another when I couldn't think of one way that I love myself? So, think of it this way: "Learn to Love thyself, so then you can love your neighbor better". Treat yourself, respect yourself, take care of yourself. Your body is the house that you grew up in, please don't burn it to the ground. Most importantly, love yourself.  Look at who you are like God does. Perfect, worthy, value able, forgivable, and loved.  Xx