The reason I'm creating this blog is because God put it on my heart to spread my story, and the work that He has done in me and through me. A couple weeks ago, I spoke in front of about 400 people at my church's youth camp. Previously, I had only told this to about a group of 10 close friends, so, as you can imagine, it was incredibly nerve-wracking. The response was overwhelmingly positive; people quoting me on social medias, strangers hugging me, asking for pictures with me, and telling me how inspiring I am. I, however, have only one complaint about this. I am not the brave one, I am not the strong one, and it is not my story, but God's. I have been told that we should be unashamed of our God, of who we are, to be unashamed of our stories, but how can I have a story, I'm only 15.
A speaker at my church one told us a story about a teenage boy who attended a night at a church that he was preaching in. That kid, who happened to be the biggest drug dealer on that high school campus, gave his life to Jesus that night. When he got home, her took every drug in his backpack and flushed them down the drain. You see, my story is not like that, but instead, little by little, my pain wore out until the load on my shoulders disappeared and I realized that my bag is empty. Many of our stories will be this way. Because our eyes adjust, we will not notice that we are blind in darkness until we get used to the light, then turn to realize that what we were living in was pitch black. My story is kind of like a sunrise. God took my darkness and transformed it to a beautiful light, shining for others to view, I am a city on a hill instead of a victim of my own mind hiding in the valley. Yes, I'm only 15, but at one point I didn't think I would be able to say that.
In middle school, I was surrounded by people who loved me, I had supportive team mates, lots of friends, good grades, loving family, what could have been the flaw? Somehow, it was my flaws that I couldn't ignore. I had absolutely nothing that could make me sad, but for some reason, I couldn't find anything to keep me happy. I couldn't look in the mirror, I remember turning off the lights when I took a shower sometimes, the mirror an enemy far too powerful to face. I used to excuse everything that's wrong in this world as though it was my fault, adding to the list of reasons why I wasn't worthy of all the good in my life. I wasn't able to except that fact that I wasn't perfect, skinny, perfect, popular, perfect, talented, perfect. I couldn't stop emphasizing that I was flawed, fat, flawed, broken, flawed, useless, flawed. But I was wrong, because the bible says in Song of Solomon 4:7 "you are altogether beautiful, my love; THERE IS NO FLAW IN YOU." God made us in HIS PERFECT IMAGE.! So it's alright that I'm not popular because I am loved, sure I mess up sometimes but I am forgiven, I may seem useless now but He gave me a purpose. I was so in the dark that I sat alone in the library to eat everyday so I could excuse my inadequate lunch and lack motivation or strength to carry a conversation. I read so many books off the shelf, but what I didn't read was the one that really mattered, the one that could've saved me, the Bible. I remember crying in the shower so I could blend my tears in with the water droplets so I could pretend I wasn't broken.
My self worth was supported by worldly objects and they let me down. God will never let you down.
Almost a year ago, I vividly remember standing in the shower on a Sunday evening, the lights on, my eyes dry... I started laughing, I couldn't stop smiling. I kept saying one thing over and over to myself. "I'm happy. I did it, I'm really, truly happy." In kid church that day, where I volunteer, the leader told the kids that God made them to be happy, and not to let anyone ever change that. It was meant for the kids, but I'm pretty sure I was one of the only people that really listened. I just couldn't figure out why I stole my own happiness, but God kept bringing me more. God gave me incredible people in my life, my lifegroup, my youth pastor, the smiling faces I get to see every Sunday that give me one of those iconic Christian Side Hugs. Jeremiah 29:11 says "for I know the plans I have for you... Plans to give you a future and a hope". God gave this story so that I could use it. I organized a suicide campaign at my public schoolof about 3,000 people. With the help of my best friend, we collected, tied notes on, and passed out over 4,000 pieces of candy. ((I vlogged it on my youtube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hrsQENIEBs)) Things are so much better now, but I still have hills and valleys. Depression is a mental condition, not a choice, but I can choose how I handle that mental condition. My storm is truly that, as unpredictable as the weather. I can't control the thoughts that flood into my brain. I was drowning in my demons and God didn't get rid of the water, he just taught me how to swim; how to walk on water along side Him.
Many of you that know me personally may be surprised about this. When I told someone once, she said "how? You were always so happy! You were our mascot!" Yes, I was the mascot. (I know, embarrassing!!) For a weekend, I went to the Port A beach with the team, but on the drive home, I sat and stared out of the car window for 4 hours because I felt so numb. Proverbs 14:13 says "laughter can conceal a heavy heart". You never know what is going on behind closed doors. Knock on someone's door, invite them to church,share the light, you never know how it could change them. You'd be surprised how many people are sitting there waiting for that invitation. A couple years ago, I had no plans for college, never pondered career options, didn't envision driving... And I didn't realize what discovering Jesus had done for me until I asked myself what I wanted to do for my 15th birthday.
In conclusion, God commands us to love one another, and that is shown in so many ways throughout the Bible. One verse that stuck out to me was "Love your neighbor as thy self" Matthew 22:39. How can you do that if you have no affectionate opinions towards your reflection, if you persistently insult yourself, if you believe that you deserve the pain that Jesus already bore? How could I learn to love another when I couldn't think of one way that I love myself? So, think of it this way: "Learn to Love thyself, so then you can love your neighbor better". Treat yourself, respect yourself, take care of yourself. Your body is the house that you grew up in, please don't burn it to the ground. Most importantly, love yourself. Look at who you are like God does. Perfect, worthy, value able, forgivable, and loved. Xx
